Anger

In the early 1970s, it was very popular to have curly hair. I’m talking about very curly, all over your head curls. This fashion statement was as popular with guys as it was girls and for the first time ever, men were lining up for appointments with their local beauticians to get perms. Long wavy locks were found everywhere from the performance stage to the construction site. Women and men who had tried to beat curly hair into submission, were finally able to let the curls flow freely.

I was in my early 20s and I didn’t have curly hair. My hair is and always has been straight, fine and limp. I slept on brush rollers for years and it made no difference, except to cause me sleepless nights. I tried everything to get body into my hair. I think once or twice my mother may have given me a “body perm” when I was little, but it didn’t make a big impact either.

I was talking with my sister (who had beautiful thick hair) at her home one day about my plight and she suggested I try another permanent. I instantly got visions of myself in curls. Since she was older (and wiser) than me, and had always been the one to experiment with my hair, I immediately jumped at the idea. Maybe the perms Mother had used just weren’t strong enough or good enough to make a difference. My sister even had an “old” box of permanent in her closet. She didn’t remember how long she’d had it, but imagined it was still okay.

I can’t remember for sure, but I think we did it that very day. The results were disastrous.  Not only did I not have curls, but what had been my hair was a frizzled mess. I was hysterical and quickly became angry. I demanded that she do something, but her only response was that we’d have to cut away the damage and allow my hair to grow back out. I became angrier. I blamed her for the whole thing, never taking in to account that I had readily agreed and encouraged her to use that perm.

Wigs were also popular at the time and I knew she had recently bought one, just for fun. So while she cut away my damaged hair, I proclaimed that she owed me a wig for what she had done to me. I don’t know what she was thinking and I didn’t care, but she got out the wig and gave it to me. It wasn’t my style or color but it was certainly better than being seen practically bald. She eventually bought me a very nice wig that I wore for at least a year.

She never got angry. She never made excuses for herself or tried to blame me. I treated her terribly that day and for a while after. I don’t remember her ever complaining or reminding me of my complicity in the whole fiasco.

Of course I was wrong and of course I was as much or more responsible than she was. I was too immature to see that then and I wasted precious days in anger. If I could only have that time back with her now.

Teresa Sue McAdams, co-creator of “Today’s Journey Tarot”, co-author of “Today’s Journey Tarot, A Traveler’s Guide”, co-author of “Tarot Meditations, A Journal for Self-Discovery”, and author of “Lessons, The Wisdom Within Each Moment”

A Job Well Done

Growing up in my family’s grocery store meant that my sisters, cousins and I all worked there at one time or another. The store closed when I was eleven so I was always too young to work the cash register or other important jobs. So my father taught me to stand on a chair behind the counter and bag groceries – brown paper sacks back then. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. He had strict rules for just how the groceries were to be bagged and I knew better than to do otherwise. First, the heavy things, like canned goods always went in the bottom of the bag. They made up the foundation of the bag; what everything else rested on. Some of those cans were very heavy and people seemed to lug a lot around with them. Another rule was that anything leaky or runny, like some meats (although as the butcher, he wrapped stuff pretty tight) and frozen items that might thaw a little were to be wrapped in brown paper before being put in the bag – to keep other items clean I guess. Speaking of frozen items, all cold things had to be put together in one bag. Cold things keep other cold things cold, he said. It didn’t really matter how many bags you had, it was distribution that was important. Everything had to be balanced so the bags wouldn’t rip and the customer could carry them easily. Soft stuff like bread and fruit went on top so it wouldn’t get smashed by the hard stuff and stuck out of the top of the bag like it was the most important item there. If the customer had kids along, stick a free sucker or penny candy in the bag to make a good impression. Oh, and volunteer to carry the bags to the car – every time – no matter how strong the customer may look. I hauled a lot of groceries. So let’s see, the hard stuff is the foundation but needs to stay on the bottom. The soft stuff is more precious and needs to be protected from getting smashed by the hard stuff. Messy things need to be wrapped up tight so they don’t leak onto other things. Cold attracts cold. Balance is the most important thing. Give away for free and always offer to help. I think that about covers it. Maybe my job was important after all.

Teresa Sue McAdams, co-creator of “Today’s Journey Tarot”, co-author of “Today’s Journey Tarot, A Traveler’s Guide”, co-author of “Tarot Meditations, A Journal for Self-Discovery”, and author of “Lessons, The Wisdom Within Each Moment”

Merlin’s Conundrum

Our youngest cat, Merlin is very kitteny. He’s still under a year and has been with us about seven months. He is actually sweet and usually very good and tries to do the right thing. He has a conundrum however, when it comes to making friends with our three older cats. He wants so badly to be their friend and tries so hard, that he often ends up alienating them more.

Our girls, Lily and Melody, were very wary of him at the start. Sometimes they will play with him, if the play is organized and supervised by a human, but only on their terms. He blunders in, all excited and scares them with his enthusiasm. Or he will chase them when they aren’t in the mood for play and it will dissolve into a big hissy mess. Our boy cat, Oz likes to play with Merlin and usually will readily join in, but Merlin doesn’t know when to quit and wears Oz down until he has to run for his life. He then avoids Merlin for a while.

Merlin is so hurt and disappointed by his siblings’ rejection and I feel so sorry for him. I just wish I could explain it to him so that he would understand that it usually works better to approach someone on terms they are comfortable with instead of demanding that they do things your way.

Teresa Sue McAdams, co-creator of “Today’s Journey Tarot”, co-author of “Today’s Journey Tarot, A Traveler’s Guide”, co-author of “Tarot Meditations, A Journal for Self-Discovery”, and author of “Lessons, The Wisdom Within Each Moment”

Cereal Boxes

When I was a kid, the back of cereal boxes were filled with neat stuff you could order. These toys were depicted in an amazing advertisement layout that would tempt any child. I remember one time there was this marvelous periscope. It looked like it was right out of a submarine. With this device you could, see around corners, spy on your siblings (which is what immediately appealed to me) or pretend you were an international spy. I was all the time begging my mother for the quarter, or sometimes two, that I would carefully tape to the order blank and send off to exotic places like Texas or Minnesota. Then I would wait for the promised four to six weeks delivery – a lifetime for a child. It was so exciting though, that wait. I just knew this time it would be something special, something that would change my life. I became a mailbox stalker. Then one day the usually beat up package would arrive. It was always smaller than I imagined it would be. But I’d rip it open with glee to find pretty much what my mother always said, a piece of junk. The periscope was flimsy pieces of cardboard and a fake mirror. It lasted about a day. All of my purchases ended up like that – soon discarded and forgotten. I kept ordering though, never discouraged by disappointment after disappointment. I think it was the anticipation that I really liked. In those four to six weeks I would dream up all kinds of scenarios my latest treasure would inspire. I still love to order things off the internet or from a catalog. Today false advertising is not allowed and most things arrive in a very short time. I appreciate that. But something seems to be missing.

Teresa Sue McAdams, co-creator of “Today’s Journey Tarot”, co-author of “Today’s Journey Tarot, A Traveler’s Guide”, co-author of “Tarot Meditations, A Journal for Self-Discovery”, and author of “Lessons, The Wisdom Within Each Moment”

Teeth

When I was little and my permanent teeth began to emerge in my mouth, it became quickly evident that something was terribly wrong. It might amaze some people, but my mouth is unusually small. I have been told this by every dentist and hygienist my whole life. My mother’s people were rather petite, so I have always attributed it to that.

As I aged, my teeth continued to fill my mouth, and my two upper eye teeth were pushed out like fangs. My right side was more pronounced than my left, and by the time I was a teenager, my lip was constantly impaled when I talked or ate.  Never mind smiling.  I stopped doing that altogether.

Our family dentist was a nice man and he suggested to my mother that she might want to consider getting me braces. We lived in a small town, and there were no orthodontists there yet, but he said he could refer us to one in the nearby city. Several of his patients were already going there.

My heart leaped for joy! I thought I was doomed to spend my whole life hiding my mouth behind my hands or whatever else I could find, but here was a solution. After wearing the braces (I knew nothing about them) I would be normal, like everybody else.

I waited anxiously while my parents discussed the pros and cons, and whether they could afford to pay for braces. Like everything else, my mother finally convinced my dad that they could swing this and the arrangements were made.

I was so happy, I could barely contain it and was excited to get started. Because my bottom teeth, while a little crooked, did not cause physical damage, it was decided to just get the braces on the top. This may have been a monetary bargaining chip to get my dad on board. I didn’t care. I just wanted to get rid of those fangs and have a normal mouth so I could be happy.

The first step in the process was to pull four of my top teeth. These were healthy, firmly rooted teeth that had to go to make room to pull the eye teeth down. My dentist suggested we do two at a time. I wanted to get them all done at once, but of course he was right. I had never had so much as a cavity filled before, and going through those extractions was painful on multiple levels.

But soon it was time to go for my first visit to the orthodontist. He raved about how beautiful I’d be once the teeth were straightened. He said I’d be a movie star! I bought his whole routine. Before the braces were put on I had to wear a retainer for several months. I was disappointed about that, I didn’t even wear it as much as I should have. I was so ready for my new look and new perfect life, but wanted to skip the preliminaries. Finally the braces were anchored into my mouth. This was the 1960s. They were awful and every sixteen year old girl dreams of having a mouth full of ugly metal, sore gums and difficulty speaking. But I held on to the dream that someday, I would have beautiful teeth and my life would be perfect.

I would like to say that it all worked out the way I’d hoped. My teeth were straighter, but the process of pulling the one on the right down was so forceful it left a hole in that tooth that I still have to have occasionally filled.  I was thrilled to finally have the braces off, but the damage was disappointing. My teeth were no longer as healthy. I began to have cavities for the first time in my life. I had been led to believe that once I got my teeth straightened, life would be better, happier and I would be more confident. My orthodontist played upon my illusions. None of those things happened. I was still just me.

Any time we believe that anything in the future will make us happy, we are usually disappointed or the happiness is short lived. Nothing outside ourselves and this very moment has that power. Of course I was too immature to know that at sixteen, or twenty six or thirty six or…….

Teresa Sue McAdams, co-creator of “Today’s Journey Tarot”, co-author of “Today’s Journey Tarot, A Traveler’s Guide”, co-author of “Tarot Meditations, A Journal for Self-Discovery”, and author of “Lessons, The Wisdom Within Each Moment”

Valentine’s Day

About the only thing February has going for it (unless you like cold weather) is Valentine’s Day. It is a contentious holiday at best. I am as romantic as the next person, maybe even more so. I’ve had a few really good Valentine’s Days. I got engaged once on that day. Can’t get more romantic than that. But the really memorable, romantic moments in my life did not fall on February 14^th.  For the most part, Valentine’s Day is designed for failure. Those who do not have a significant other, or their other isn’t so significant can be very lonely and sad while they imagine the rest of the world in a romantic, blissful encounter. Some receive the contrived and guilt driven obligatory acknowledgement. The card manufacturers do okay and flower shops, restaurants and jewelry stores. There are definitely some people who spend that day celebrating their love for each other. I think that is the key to saving Valentine’s Day. Why is it limited to romantic love, which is oftentimes fleeting? Everyone loves someone – their mother, daughter, grandfather, grandson, uncle, best friend, treasured animal friend, co-worker, the list is endless. And why should we stop there? We shouldn’t of course. Imagine a day set aside to express love for all beings on the planet! Imagine no greeting cards, just true expressions of caring and support! There has been a trend of late where many people have begun to widen the circle of those they include in their Valentine tribute. I say we keep that going! Maybe we should start a movement proclaiming Valentine’s Day isn’t just for lovers but for love! One loving act on that day from each of us would change the world.

Teresa Sue McAdams, co-creator of “Today’s Journey Tarot”, co-author of “Today’s Journey Tarot, A Traveler’s Guide”, co-author of “Tarot Meditations, A Journal for Self-Discovery”, and author of “Lessons, The Wisdom Within Each Moment”

Snow – new Lessons

I am not a big fan of winter. Going out into the snow is not my idea of a good time. My mother used to wrap me up until movement was impossible, so it was kind of hard to then “go out and play in the snow”.

There was one time I went out that I wouldn’t trade for anything. My father worked a lot of hours as a butcher in his parents’ grocery store. He was gone from six in the morning until six in the evening every day but Sunday. I was always wanting to spend time with him, but those times were not as often as I liked. He was usually tired and grumpy when he got home from work. My constant chatter was more than he could take, after talking to customers all day.

One winter day when I was about 7 or 8 years old, we had a huge snowfall overnight. Everything in town was closed, including schools of course. My father was worried about the store. Although my grandparents lived right next door to it, they were too old to shovel snow, or venture out the short distance to the store.

He decided he needed to walk to check on them and the store. It was only about three blocks from us, but with the deep snow it would probably take a while to get there.  I’m not sure how it went, but I imagine as soon as he started getting ready to go, I started begging to go with him. I guess I shouldn’t admit it, but I was good at begging and good at wearing him down to get what I wanted. He found it hard to maintain a firm no to my pleas. My mother was not so easy and could tune me out with ease. She probably had more practice, being with me all the time.

Anyway, it was finally decided that I could go. I was suited up, as usual and my father and I began our quest to rescue my grandparents. The trip was marvelous. Sometimes the snowdrifts were higher than my head and he would have to carry me along for a bit. We talked and talked about everything and he just seemed amused and genuinely as happy as I was. He told me about the day he was born. There was a big snow that day too and when he didn’t breathe right away, the midwife took him out on the porch and stuck his feet in the snow! He gasped and started crying!

We played a little bit too, but never lost sight of our goal. I believe it took about an hour to trudge through all of that snow and get to the store. He dropped me off at the house and began shoveling a path from the house to the store. I stayed with my grandparents, which was always a treat – literally, since she was a fantastic cook and she always had candy from the store. I snuggled up next to my grandfather in his big easy chair and got warm again while he smoked his pipe.

Soon, Dad came back in and I went with him to “help” check out the store. Everything was fine. He brought food back to my grandparents and they had everything they might need for a day or two.  It was time to head back home.  The return journey was the same as before, but more people had shoveled by now and the going was easier.

I still don’t like snow and cold weather, but that day was one of the best of my life. I guess the weather didn’t really have anything to do with it. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing. It matters who you are with.

I am not a big fan of winter. Going out into the snow is not my idea of a good time. My mother used to wrap me up until movement was impossible, so it was kind of hard to then “go out and play in the snow”.

There was one time I went out that I wouldn’t trade for anything. My father worked a lot of hours as a butcher in his parents’ grocery store. He was gone from six in the morning until six in the evening every day but Sunday. I was always wanting to spend time with him, but those times were not as often as I liked. He was usually tired and grumpy when he got home from work. My constant chatter was more than he could take, after talking to customers all day.

One winter day when I was about 7 or 8 years old, we had a huge snowfall overnight. Everything in town was closed, including schools of course. My father was worried about the store. Although my grandparents lived right next door to it, they were too old to shovel snow, or venture out the short distance to the store.

He decided he needed to walk to check on them and the store. It was only about three blocks from us, but with the deep snow it would probably take a while to get there.  I’m not sure how it went, but I imagine as soon as he started getting ready to go, I started begging to go with him. I guess I shouldn’t admit it, but I was good at begging and good at wearing him down to get what I wanted. He found it hard to maintain a firm no to my pleas. My mother was not so easy and could tune me out with ease. She probably had more practice, being with me all the time.

Anyway, it was finally decided that I could go. I was suited up, as usual and my father and I began our quest to rescue my grandparents. The trip was marvelous. Sometimes the snowdrifts were higher than my head and he would have to carry me along for a bit. We talked and talked about everything and he just seemed amused and genuinely as happy as I was. He told me about the day he was born. There was a big snow that day too and when he didn’t breathe right away, the midwife took him out on the porch and stuck his feet in the snow! He gasped and started crying!

We played a little bit too, but never lost sight of our goal. I believe it took about an hour to trudge through all of that snow and get to the store. He dropped me off at the house and began shoveling a path from the house to the store. I stayed with my grandparents, which was always a treat – literally, since she was a fantastic cook and she always had candy from the store. I snuggled up next to my grandfather in his big easy chair and got warm again while he smoked his pipe.

Soon, Dad came back in and I went with him to “help” check out the store. Everything was fine. He brought food back to my grandparents and they had everything they might need for a day or two.  It was time to head back home.  The return journey was the same as before, but more people had shoveled by now and the going was easier.

I still don’t like snow and cold weather, but that day was one of the best of my life. I guess the weather didn’t really have anything to do with it. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing. It matters who you are with.

The Red Sports Card – first published 2012

Like most teenagers, I couldn’t wait to get my driver’s license. I took driver’s education, practiced for what seemed like forever with my father, and finally the day arrived. After we got home from the license branch, my father presented me with my very own key to his car! Wow, I didn’t expect that since he was so proud and protective of his car. He said the only rule was that I could never take the car without permission. Worked for me. Since he carpooled to work, his car was at home much of the time. I could even drive it to school on bad weather days, after taking my mother to work. I don’t remember why now, but one of those rainy days several months after I got my license, a girl in my class invited me to her home after school. She was very popular and even had her own car. I was elated that she was paying attention to me. I told her I’d have to swing by Mother’s office on the way to get permission. She waited for me in the parking lot of the office building and waved and pulled out onto the highway as soon as I started Dad’s car. I pulled out right after her. I did not want to let this opportunity out of my sight. I pulled right into the side of a little red sports car coming down the highway. I was so focused on following her home; I didn’t even look for oncoming traffic. Naturally I was very scared and upset. When the police officer got there I tearfully begged him to let me go back into the office and get my mom. After an agonizing time, standing there in the rain, he finally relented. Mother took care of the official business. (My friend had stopped, but quickly drove on home.) Dad always drove big, heavy cars, so there was only a small amount of damage to the front headlight and bumper. The other car was not so lucky. The whole driver’s side was dented in hideously. When we got home, Mother sent me to my room to wait until Dad got home from work. She barely said anything at all. When he got home, they talked for a while before he came into my room. He just said, “Are you hurt?” I said no. And then he said, “Give me your key.” That was it. No yelling. No grounding. No “punishment” at all. It seems to me that the things that usually occupy our attention may not be as important as what else is going on in the world. When we pursue something single mindedly, we can lose the ability to even function normally. I was devastated by the loss of car privileges and the humiliation of the accident in front of my friend, but at the time I didn’t understand the real mistake I’d made.

Teresa Sue McAdams, co-creator of “Today’s Journey Tarot”, co-author of “Today’s Journey Tarot, A Traveler’s Guide”, co-author of “Tarot Meditations, A Journal for Self-Discovery”, and author of “Lessons, The Wisdom Within Each Moment”

Christmas – New Lessons

Over the years I have had good Christmases and not so good Christmases, but I’ve never really had a bad one. It is like every other day. Some work out great and sometimes they are just mediocre. When I was a little girl though, I judged Christmas by the presents under the tree, like almost every other boy and girl.

I was sometimes disappointed by the amount of presents, the kind of presents and whether or not I got what I thought I wanted. Christmas was all about getting what I wanted. But even then I had hints that maybe there was something else going on.

For example, one year I wanted a Barbie and Ken doll really badly. I insisted I had to have both. My mother tried to persuade me that maybe just Barbie would be enough, but I wouldn’t hear of it! Christmas morning, sure enough both dolls were there. But the clothes that came with them were all hand made by a neighbor across the street. I couldn’t go to my friend’s houses with handmade Barbie clothes! What would they think? What was Barbie and Ken without their cool wardrobes? I got what I asked for. Barbie and Ken ended up in the closet.

I used to dread going to school after Christmas. Everyone would be sporting their new clothes, coats, shoes and such. I usually got new clothes before school started each year, but by Christmas break, they were worn and definitely not new anymore. I was jealous and ashamed that I didn’t get new clothes at Christmas too. However, I didn’t notice that many other kids were wearing clothes more worn than me.

The little girl who lived just a couple of houses down from me had a beautiful pink flocked artificial Christmas tree with lovely ornaments to match. At my house the tree was live, and decorated with odds and ends of ornaments my parents had gathered over the years. It was not an artistic wonder, but a functional necessity. Her parents were divorced and she missed her dad a lot. Again, I wished for what I didn’t have, not seeing what was really there.

We do that as kids. We see things that seem to make others happy and want them for ourselves. We make that the marker for good and bad, happy and sad in our lives.  It’s a good thing we finally grow up enough to be able to see that what we have is enough, and having all the things in the world aren’t what happiness is all about.

Teresa Sue McAdams, co-creator of “Today’s Journey Tarot”, co-author of “Today’s Journey Tarot, A Traveler’s Guide”, co-author of “Tarot Meditations, A Journal for Self-Discovery”, and author of “Lessons, The Wisdom Within Each Moment”

The Quality of Christmas

Everyone worries about the quality of Christmas. They are afraid the economy or other unforeseen circumstances will put a damper on the festivities. But you know what I remember as the best holiday memories from the past? Every year as a child I practiced with the church choir for weeks. And then the Sunday before Christmas we performed our cantata. The chills and beauty of unpolished voices raised in the harmony of beautiful music. I remember the smell of the sack of oranges, apples and peanuts that were our treat after we performed. I remember gatherings of friends over the years – the faces have changed – but the coming together remains one of the true joys of the holiday season. I think about my first tree after I left my parents’ home. No money. No tinsel. Just two college students, some construction paper and lots of popcorn and laughter. I remember my daughter being discharged from the hospital on Christmas Day when she was eight years old after nearly dying from a ruptured appendix. No Christmas dinner that year. And oh how we didn’t mind. I think about a particularly difficult holiday meal with my family and coming home to find that my husband had cleaned the apartment from top to bottom and fixed a huge bowl of fresh strawberries – my favorite. So honestly I don’t think the economy enters into my holiday spirit at all. I don’t remember the gifts I’ve received over the years or the ones bought for others. I just know that every day is filled with blessings and why should the holiday season be any different?

Teresa Sue McAdams, co-creator of “Today’s Journey Tarot”, co-author of “Today’s Journey Tarot, A Traveler’s Guide”, co-author of “Tarot Meditations, A Journal for Self-Discovery”, and author of “Lessons, The Wisdom Within Each Moment”